The Deep End...

There have been many times in my life that I have contemplated and have part of the deep end. Ironic enough, the closest I feel to God is when I'm near the ocean, the beach... the shallow end. I can have one foot in the ocean and one foot on solid ground, and I know that I'm steady. I know that I cannot drown, unless I go in. Unless I drop all that is real an rational and just plunge in. This past year I've questioned my faith so much. I can question my faith, it's ok. God knows it's ok. I know that I'm not going to Hell, and I know that I am forgiven... I cringe when people have told me things like "It wasn't in God's time...." (in regards to the loss of my child), or God has put that in your life to make you stronger (in regards to my bi-polar disorder)... excuse me???? My God is a God of love, and patience, and forgiving, and compassion. My worst enemy wouldn't wish on me what I've had happen to me in my life; let alone God, the one who is supposed to love and protect me. Tonight, I've been thinking a lot about faith, and about how immature in my faith I am. When I was in Youth Group with Kimi, we were all going through the motions; doing everything that was expected of us. The only thing I felt was fear of not living up to what they all expected of me. I was too worried about what my friends would think of me, and what my future 'prospective' husbands would think of me. I honestly thought, at sixteen years old that I was supposed to get married right out of high school, have children, and be the dutiful wife. That's what I saw from my grandparents. I had no voice, I had no skills.... but what I did know was that in church I felt accepted; but only if I told them what they wanted to hear. Lately my faith has been based upon finally learning to believe in myself. How could I have faith in God, in the Trinity, in the Jesus that holds his welcoming arms out to me if I can't even believe in myself. I've always been the wallflower, the girl that was just there. I've always been invisible. I still catch myself doing that... being the overcompensating geek just to seek someone's approval of me. It's sad how insecure this 34 year old woman can be. Yet I know I can be so much more. I've spent a great portion of my life holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yet God has blessed me with the strength and perseverence to graduate from College, all while managing bipolar disorder and AADHD... all my life I wondered what was wrong with me. I wasn't stupid or airheaded... I was just... distracted. I graduated with a 3.o this semester. I passed algebra. I graduated from College! No one in my family has ever graduated from college. The whole three weeks before graduation I was terrified... terrified that there wouldn't be a job out there, and then Pete called me and everything seemed to go so flawlessly. There have been obstacles... well kind of, emotionally. Karen my co-worker is rather distant. But I have to learn that I can't make everyone my friend. Yes there are people out there whose personalities are incompatible with mine. Imagine that? Hey, it takes me a while ok? I will no longer make excuses for who I am. God made me; beautiful, strong, sensitive, talented, loving, compassionate, passionate about life, creative. Sleep... right now I need sleep. Conference is tomorrow. Faith? It's just a word. I know that I am loved, and I know who loves me. I know that God is right here touching my shoulder and looking at my computer screen and shaking his head thinking... "When's she going to write that best seller?"